Last night, I went over to one of those people’s homes and she said “Where have you been? You’ve dropped out of society”. Her question highly infuriated me with her assumptions. I’ve been highly productive over the past few weeks that I’ve apparently “dropped out of society”. I have been meeting and hanging out with different people who I feel are on the same creative level as I am. Sorry that I haven’t been at the same bars as you or getting wasted every night. You are not the center of the universe. There is indeed a world outside of yourself. You should step out of it sometime and start having your own original thoughts. /rant

Instead of dwelling or letting myself feel depressed about the situation, I know that I must focus on myself. People come and go. You can’t focus all your energy trying to please everyone. You have to channel that energy into yourself and do the things you are passionate about. Once that happens, those who do appreciate you will find you.

I’ve been working on taking all of the ideas I have and turning them into tangible things to share with the world. Instead of being held hostage by my addictions, I am constructively turning them into creative projects. No one can understand you unless you give them something to relate to. Sure I’m “weird”. I live in a “fantasy world”. I’m too much of an “idealist”. But those are beautiful things and I want to show the world that these things are beautiful and are not inherently wrong.

All of my life I was told that I was all of those things. I was constantly discouraged to proceed the creative things I enjoyed the most. My creativity was stifled because I never thought I was good enough. Well fuck that. The people who have said those things are people who never had the courage to do what they truly love. My sense of freedom and desire to be the person that I want to be is scary and unfamilar to them. So all they can do is knock down other people who are actually trying.

I will show them all.

Though I am still very active in my community, but more in different areas such as film, music, local businesses and my own personal mental health (which will probably continue to be a main focus throughout my life). I’m going to keep updating this blog and use it as a source for inspiration and motivation because I still highly believe that the work begins with yourself. Something that I have noticed throughout all projects I’ve worked on is that the initial excitement of something new gives me a huge adrenaline rush. It’s my drug. And it’s even more powerful when others around me are excited about the same thing. It’s what keeps me going. Waking up in the morning and knowing that I’m passionate about a project and that others are too is one of the greatest feelings I have.

But life moves on, people move onto other things, new projects pop up, or obligations and responsibilities take priority and that excitement fades away. When that happens, I start to fall into depression again. I start to think negative. “What’s the point of this project anyway?”

There are so many things I have started and are left unfinished. If only I could focus my devoted attention to something long enough, I could accomplish so many great things. I just need to keep reminding myself that a project doesn’t have to end when things are no longer exciting. I just need to find ways to bring that excitement back. And I can’t look to other people to make that happen. I have to look within myself.

I’m a very mental person. I always have thoughts running through my head. I have lots of insecurities, which I try hard to view as unique personal traits instead of something negative or hindering. I am 25 years old, and I feel like I am just now starting to know who I really am in a very intimate way. I have always had an idea, but I am so full of ideas! I have always known that I have the potential to turn those ideas into reality, but it is a matter of getting serious about one thing for long enough to actually complete it. This is my main problem. It is one that I need to start changing TODAY. If I want these ideas to ever become tangible, I need to work on them and stop just thinking….

I need to focus. I realized that I can do anything that I want. I can be the person that I envision in my mind. I just need to do it.

But where do I begin?

I need to love myself more.

I am also reading a book that I re-found on my bookcase during my move called Getting Free: Creating an Association of Democractic Autonomous Neighborhoods. It’s really interesting and focuses on building communities to fight back against capitalism. Instead of using strategies like protests and civil disobedience, it focuses on being offensive rather than defensive by building what works instead of tearing down what doesn’t (which will eventually happen on its own).

It’s a complex subject, but one that I have always been interested in learning more about. I studied Sociology, so I love to observe people and think about how their environments and events in their lives have effected their behaviors and ways of thinking.

I hate how big pharmaceuticals companies have totally destroyed the beauty of being different. Mental “disorders” aren’t necessarily bad things if they are treated the right ways. But popping pills until you are numb and a completely different person is not the way to do so. I’m really in touch with my feelings and am aware of the certain characteristics of myself that would be considered “disorders” or things that need to be “treated”. But I work on them in my own ways.

I went to the Doctor once about all of this, but Doctor’s really make me uncomfortable and I don’t think I was able to fully express all that is going on with me. I was having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks at the time (and this wasn’t nearly the worst of it). He put me on Zoloft, which also helped lessen my menstrual cramps each month which was AWESOME, but unfortunately, I don’t remember much of that period of my life other than being really sad, unmotivated and cramped up in a little apartment while watching tv and eating junk food. I gained a lot of weight too during that time which made me feel even worse about myself.

Eventually, I moved out of that apartment and started riding my bike. I weened myself off of the Zoloft (which was actually a pretty hard thing to do, because I got really bad side effects when I didn’t take it). I swore that I would never go back to taking a medication that prevented me from living my life the way I wanted (even if that includes having anxiety and panic attacks). I’d rather feel ALL of the feelings that my body is feeling rather than numb them out and not feel at all.

That’s why I feel so strongly about radical self acceptance and the whole concept of “being your own hero”. We don’t need someone to tell us that our personal traits and charateristics are disorders that need to be fixed. They are gifts and we just need to figure out how to use them correctly and for positive things.

I have conflicts with my anxiety at times. I don’t know whether I should try to “fix” it or just avoid things that bring upon the anxiety altogether. For instance, my friend runs a website and he asked me to interview a famous singer/songwriter for his site. I accepted the “challenge” because I told myself that this would be good for me to do and I need to overcome my fears of talking to strangers. But as days passed, it started to weigh on me and I started to keep putting it off because I was so nervous. So eventually, I asked my more outgoing friend if she wanted the opportunity.

So in that situation, I tried to fix the problem, but then decided it would be best to avoid the problem. I want to be able to do these things, but I don’t know how to approach them without freaking out. My current dilemma is that I was offered to do a training workshop about digital activism. Sounds simple enough, right? The workshop is in the Philippines and my brain is already filling up with all kinds of anxieties.

Does anyone else have to battle their anxieties every day?